Better Love Stories Than Twilight

As a fanatic of good books, movies, T.V. shows, video games, and more, I sometimes come across comparisons that truly irk me.  For example, I hate when people tell me to read "x" book because other Harry Potter fans liked it.  Last I checked, Harry Potter was a completely different entity, like the God of book series.  Or Jesus, since Harry is practically Jesus Christ in quite obvious ways.

But I digress.

This post is not about Harry Potter, which is a little sad because I do love the series so much that I'd marry it if I could.

I must research how legal this actually is...

No, this is a response to a comparison that I heard a few days ago:  Twilight is the best love story ever.

...Dear, sweet Sondhiem, it pained me to even type such a lie.  Quite simply, Twilight is not and never will be the greatest love story in the world.  For those of you fortunate enough to live under a rock and not know what Twilight is, it is a book about this girl named Mary Sue--I mean, Bella Swan--who, through a random and pointlessly long (four books long, to be precise) series of events must deal with lust--I mean, love--and trying to become a vampire, all while her childhood werewolf buddy tries to win her heart.

And she has this facial expression the entire time.

Okay.  As far as love stories go...this is just stupid.  I don't know who would fall for someone who is as much of a boring Mary Sue character as Bella.  For a brief moment, I actually found myself rooting for her to end up with Jacob.  He, at least, has a forced sense of humor that might've balanced Bella's blandness in some way, unlike Edward, who just...stalked her.

Stockholm Syndrome with a vampire is no laughing matter, Bella.

Besides being the mysterious vampire guy that Bella falls for due to <sarcasm>what must be her womanly desire to change him like a science project</end sarcasm>, Edward has nothing going for him.  Oh, no, wait! He's shiny.

I'm sorry, but unless glittering in the sunlight is a strange type of vampire herpes, VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE.

Oh good God man, run!  IT'S CONTAGIOUS!!

Today, I declare myself to be the Media Romantic.  My job is to show you a few of the love stories from my memory that are better than Twilight.  Let's start with...

Captain Jack Sparrow and Rum from Pirates of the Carribean

Quote:

Jack Sparrow:  Why is the rum gone?!

Captain Jack loves this alcoholic beverage.  It has done so many things for him.  He's used it to drown sorrows, to become happy, and he even used rum to write his own song!  Rum has been good to Captain Jack Sparrow, and his love of it spans across his four movie long series, too.

Alcoholism:  Still a better love story than Twilight.

Carl and Ellie from Up

Quote:

Carl and Ellie:  ....

Four and a half minutes.  If you don't know this movie at all, just take that time to watch this adorable (yet seriously depressing) clip.  That explains it all.

Carl and Ellie tell their love story without dialogue in 4 and a half minutes, while it took Twilight four books to tell a crappy one.  Conclusion?  The beginning of Up is still a better love story than Twilight.

Narcissus and Himself from...mythology...

Quote:

Hermes: Fabulous party. You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.

Again, this is pretty self-explanatory.  Narcissism:  still a better love story than Twilight.

Peeta and Bread from The Hunger Games

Quote:

I don't need a quote here.  Just look at the picture!

Let's put it this way.  If Peeta had heard Aladdin say, "All this for a loaf of bread?" the response from Peeta would have been "Bread is everything, you rat bastard."  Peeta and bread:  the perfect romance that rises (haha, rises, get it?) over the Twilight Saga any day.

Pikachu and Ketchup from Pokemon

Quote:

Pikachu:  PIKA PI PIKA PI PIKA PIKA PIKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

If we translate this quote, we'd learn from Pikachu that ketchup is the best condiment in the world.  Pikachu cannot sing the praises of ketchup enough.  This is why he is brought to a river of tears when Scyther, a Pokemon that doesn't like the color red, slashes the throat of the ketchup bottle.  Poor Pikachu...it must suck for a little critter used for Japanese dog fighting to watch its love be destroyed in such a horrible way.  Never the less, Pikachu will always have a spot in his heart for his ketchup, making this love story so much better than Twilight.

Ron and Food from A Very Potter Musical (and Harry Potter in general)

Quote:

Ron:  You guys, go barricade the door. Cho, you see if Neville's dead. You guys go get snacks... Aw, sh*t, we barricaded to door. I will... I will quit.

Once, my sister and I watched the entirety of this musical and made a list of all the snacks Ron eats in this musical.  The list includes:  Chinese food, Funyons, sour gummy worms, double stuff oreos, Reese's Pieces, Butterbeer, a giant chocolate bar (see above photo), Twizzlers, powdered donuts, and, in the sequel, Redvines.  Ron has an obsession with food, and still, his habit of drowning his sorrows in unnecessary calories is still a better love story than Twilight.

Roy Mustang and Dogs from Fullmetal Alchemist

Quote:

Roy Mustang:  Dogs embody loyalty! They follow their master's commands above all else! Be a jerk to them and they don't complain and they never once beg for a paycheck! Trust me, Fuery, they're the great servants of man! (sings) LOYAL CANINE, HOW WE SALUTE THEE!

This is a love story that rivals Roy's love for mini-skirts.  Either of these love stories are better than Twilight.

Sokka and his Boomerang from Avatar: The Last Airbender

Quote:

Sokka:  Boomerang!  You do always come back!

Look at it.  Look.  At.  It.  IT'S SO CUTE!!  This is the weapon Sokka depends on through the entire series.  This is the ultimate love story.  Ultimate.

So screw Twilight.  It has nothing on these classic love stories.

Murphy's Law (Or, Diana Goes To Her First Professional Audition)

The idea behind Murphy's Law is most simply understood as the idea that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  I like to equate it to Scar's Epic Failure once he takes over the Pride Lands.

I can't come up with any other reason for the random drought.

I didn't know that when I went to my first professional audition this weekend with Ariel, Bambi, McQueen, and Amelia.  It was planned perfectly from the start.  We'd leave our campus at 7:15, get to the audition at 10, audition at 10:30, ta-da we'll be done before call for the show back on campus that night!  In the sense of plans, we were golden.

We even left on time.  We piled into Amelia's car and started driving.  Smooooth sailing while McQueen and I argued.

McQueen:  We're going to do a dance from Oh My God because it's uptempo.
Diana:  Yes, but there's no dance break in it.  It's going to be What You Want, because that has a huuuuge dance number in it.

And then Murphy's Law happened.

Ariel:  Ummm what's that noise?
Amelia:  Oh, sh-(akespeare)!

We pull over and discover something interesting.  Something had slashed open one of the car's tires.

I blamed the Gorignak, obviously.

McQueen:  Alright, I'll change the tire.

Diana:  Yay!  I'm so glad we brought a man along.

(outside the car, we hear McQueen drop something and hear it bounce and hit the bumper of the car)

Diana:  ...never mind.

After a while, we got bored waiting for him inside of the car and went outside.  It was cold.

Ariel:  Guys it's cold.

Bambi:  If you look at McQueen, he kinda looks like Gollum.

Ariel:  Gollum is what's hiding under a Death Eater's cape!

I always knew they'd work well together.

We wait a few more minutes.  McQueen gets cold, so I stand in front of him and block him from the wind.  Ariel?  She found cows.

Ariel:  MOOO!!!!  COWS MOO MOO COW MOO!!!  (she pauses)  Oh no they're staring at me.

Bambi:  If we get offed by the cow mafia, I'm blaming you.

Somehow, we manage to get the donut tire on the car and drive the rest of the way to the audition.  Because, yknow, we didn't realize that going 70 on a Not Real Tire is a bad idea.  How we didn't die is beyond me.

We finally get to the audition with ten minutes to spare.  We get dressed and ready and walk in with our groups; Amelia waits in the lobby for us.  She's such a faithful Non-PA (not Performing Arts student).  All of our auditions went well, but some other people's auditions...didn't.  Someone literally sat in a chair, put her legs together, and pretended to be a mermaid while singing Part of Your World.

And no.  I'm not joking.

Another lady held up signs while she sang, telling the director to hire her or else.  That one was actually a little bit scary; I didn't know whether I should laugh or feel threatened.

Anyway, we sang and then quickly changed clothes for the dance audition.  Our dance is a really really uptempo song that's to...that's right, What You Want from Legally Blonde.

The interaction between McQueen and I was just like this.

The dancing could've gone a lot worse.  It's when we made our way to Amelia to go back to campus that we received some news.  We had to find a place that sold tires, because driving up the mountains on a donut tire was Not a Good Idea.

And off we went, searching like adventurers, wandering through the unknown.  Having a GPS made us feel better.  But when we used it...we found places like this:

McQueen:  That's sketch ball change.

Then the GPS led us to nowhere, literally.  It said we made it to a Texaco.

Ariel:  If that's a Texaco, then I'm Michael Jackson.

McQueen:  We're hitting the bad part of town. Not cool.

Diana:  Shush, you're gonna get us shot.

McQueen:  Lynched.  There's a difference.

Bambi:  What?

McQueen:  We're in the ghetto.

Bambi:  Oh, a'ight.

We finally thought about going and asking a local person for directions.  So we found a gas station and sent Ariel in to ask for directions.  I spied Bambi staring, wide-eyed, at a car.

Diana:  What?

Bambi:  Shh, don't make any sudden movements.  It's a Decepticon.

The two of us scared, feeling the fear that only a Decepticon can bring, when an all white van pulls up on the other side of us.

Yknow, like the ones creepers lure kids into!

Amelia locks the car doors and we wait for Ariel to come back, while McQueen laughs at our paranoia all the while.  Then we see Ariel scurry out of the gas station and leap into the car.

Ariel:  Creepy old man hitting on Ariel.  NOT OKAY.

Finally, finally, FINALLY we find a place that sells tires (who knew that I'd actually be thankful to have Walmart around?) and get it put on and get our butts back to campus.  Thirty minutes before showtime's call.

So yeah.  I survived that audition.  Like a champ.

The Blog Post Where I Lament the Shortcomings of My Generation

Alright, we're going to play a little game.  I'm gonna post a few pictures, and you're going to guess what they are.  Ready?

If you guessed Glee, you're right!

If you guessed "A Cocky Jerk British Guy," you're right!

...the heck is that?

For those of you who, like, think things through on a daily basis, you'd recognize this as a library.  You'd be surprised how many people fail to recognize such a thing.

Apparently in my digital age, no one knows what a library is.  It is a magical land of books.  You know, those things made out of trees that no one uses any more because E-BOOKS!  ...Let me share how I made this discovery.

In a class on Monday, our professor gave us a simple assignment.  The instructions were:

1.  Pick one of the four plays I list.

2.  Go to library.

3.  Get a reference source.

4.  Get two book sources.

5.  Get a periodical source.

PS:  Oh, the internet doesn't count as sources; you have to use a legit book.

I was super excited.  The rest of the class looked like this:

No, I'm not exaggerating.

Using an actual library seems to be one of the most difficult tasks you could ask college students to do.  When faced with touching a real book (and not using google to do it), they acted like my friend Barbra's cat.  Let me explain.

My friend Barbra has a cat who might have Down Syndrome or something.  He's not a smart cat.  There are times when he'll walk up to you and just go, "MRAWWWRRRRRRRRR." as if he's saying, "I'M A CAT.  I DON'T...WHAT IS THIS???"

See that cat in the background?  That's me as a cat.  Judging you for your derpy nature.

It was so frustrating!  So to all of you out there, I request one thing:  teach the youth of America on how to use a library.  Coach them in the Dewey Decimal System.  Don't let them forget the intoxicating smell of books!  Fight for the written, printed word.

Make the youth in America smarter than my generation.  Or else some Hermione Granger in their class is going to want to exterminate them all for the greater good.

No one would ever have to know.

I Am Aaron Hotchner.

No, really.

Okay, I'll admit, I'm not completely like Aaron Hotchner, but I have found one similarity and that's made me giddy beyond all belief.  What's that one thing?

I am horrible at being sick.

For those of you who watch Criminal Minds, you'll understand why this makes Hotch and I alike.  If not, please feel free to watch this until the famous Hotch line, WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES PLEASE?

See, I have this problem with people taking care of me.  I don't like it.  When I have to be in that kind of situation, being told what I can or cannot do for myself, it drives me up the wall.  Especially when it conflicts with my work.  Oh, I don't think I hate anything more than that.

Except for spiders.

This leads me to the famous saying, "I'm fine."  When I'm sick, nothing bothers me more than being pitied.  Sure, I know it's that my friends love me and want to make me better, blah blah blah, but I'm feeling bad enough.  At least let me think I can handle something simple like walking to my dorm by myself.


Although, I admit, I'm not very intelligent when it comes to knowing my limits.  I am, simply put, a workaholic.  Free time?  What's that?


While being sick this past week, my friend Ariel pointed out that I'm totally Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.  She's possibly more of a workaholic than Hotch.  And the more I watched of the show, the more I started to agree.  There was an episode where she'd had surgery and was supposed to be on bed rest, yet she found herself a wheelchair and went around trying to steal people's patients so she could work.


...I might have done the same exact thing in my Stage Combat class when I got sick.

"Guys, I'm fine!!"  ... "Or not."

Well, my inability to stop working like Hotch and Cristina ended up making me sicker, having to go to the doctor, get a breathing treatment, and basically spend a week in bed.  Next time, I'll just...oh heck, I'm still gonna be Hotch and work till I drop.

Like a boss.